ChhhhhChange...Change....

Why is it so hard to change? I mean it seems so easy to change appearances; we get hair cuts, colours, teeth whitening, waxing, lose weight, gain weight, tattoos, etc....none of that seems to be very difficult (for me anyways). What about feelings, emotions, patterns, practices....why is it so challenging to change from the inside out? Ask yourself how much you have consciously changed as a person. I know I have grown, learned, adapted over time...but have I ever sat down and said "I'm going to change this..." and completely turned that aspect of myself around? I am not sure that I have...nor that people in general do. I think we start out early in life adapting to principles we feel were designed for us. Personalities in general remain relatively constant throughout life...think of someone you knew in elementary school, junior high, or high school. They may have blossomed as far as appeal (looks) are concerned but if you sat down and had a lenghty conversation with them most of the jackasses are still jackasses (or jackasses in hiding) most of the introverts are relatively introverted still, and most of the kind people have remained neutral in their kindness. Do we, as humans, become so comfortable that we almost inherit some sort of ingrained map that is almost untraceable. I find myself doing things almost out of habit, rather than making a conscious choice. I know it's not true for everyone, but in general, once we have reached a certain status do we even off and stick to that person throughout life.

I guess this all comes as a result of me not being able to go through with much of the plans I had recently made for myself. I miss the comfort in lighting a cigarette (which I have since done), I miss the comfort of worrying about the petty things I cannot change. I am trying to decide whether the change is because I want to or because I need to. I know I need to eat healthy-so after this weekends German chocolate cake and alcohol binge- I am going to make the effort, or will I? I know I need to quit smoking because the numbers show it will most likely kill me ( a twenty percent chance that it won't and I have never been that lucky) but I don't want to. I don't want to die either, but it seems so far away whereas having a smoke after a bad day, meal, or night at the bar is immediate and welcoming. What if we could see the end first. What if when you reached the conceptual stage of understanding (say age eighteen) you were shown the last day of your life if you continued living by your wants rather than your needs, would you change then? Do we refuse to change because of the unknown?

In my life: I have all my books bought thanks to Krystle! I now have to sit down and read them (which is exciting and terrifying). I saw Carley and April this weekend, man I miss them and love them soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much! I can't wait till Sept rolls around and I can feel like I am living my life, and not the life I used to live in PEI. Although, I must say this summer was enjoyable on the whole. Seeing family, old friends, new places, and new sides of things I never knew existed in this tiny abyss...I am impressed. Liane moved home, I miss her and our whacky insiders nobody could ever understand: "Did you ever say words you think are words?" "-sometimes". ha ha ha. This weekend I am working overtime (twelve hours on saturday and twelve more on sunday) I need the $534 really really bad so I have to suck it up. I still have to buy stuff for the house and pack....dreaded preparation!

Note to self: It is not humanly possible to drink a pint of gin, 3 shots of tequela, two beer, and a sex on the beach and not make a complete ass out of yourself or get stripped at the bar! Nevertheless, no hangover vomitting!