[

mood

|

contemplative

]

Recently, my friend Tony, wrote a theory after reading Adam's Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Confession time- I haven't read the book yet, although I plan to, and I don't want to see the movie until I have read the book. I do, however, think that any author who can make people ponder this thought, must deserve to be read. As authors we must find out what our purpose in writing is and strive to do that. While some choose enterntainment, I think I like to push people out of a safety net (not by inventing some new genre) but by making things normal that are otherwise questioned. Needless to say, thanks to Tony, I have come up with a new book idea.

So what is the meaning to the life? What are its questions? And where to the answers lie? I can't say that I know or even want to venture into any of that (without excessive amounts of caffeine and perhaps some herbal stimulant) but I can touch it on the surface for now.

I used to be the girl who was hungry for pain. I used to think pain was really beauty masked in a dark form of emotional wounds...I used to think that I needed pain to feel alive. But now, for the first time in twenty years, I find myself completely in the absence of pain...and it hurts. Does that make sense? What I am trying to say is that we live our life on the basis of familiarity, all things that can become familiar if given the right environment will breed and continue. Without them, in their loss, we feel them too. The absence of the familiar. So I guess I am trying to explain, in my humble words, that the meaning of your life is simply to live. Whether or not you seek out definitive, life-altering answers, or play the x-box and eat cheerios, you are living a life, your life as you choose to design it, and the answers will follow whether or not you actively seek them. If you choose to engage yourself on a path toward finding answers I think the hurdles are endless, and you will find alternate lives to be had within your own life. If you choose to let things happen, I think you will be equally surprised with what situations, timing, and relaxation can actually bring into your life without effort.

So there is no answer to life, no questions that need to be asked, and no desire to search unless you create that hunger. A life is simply a roadmap with tiny dots that light up when you get to that point. If you don't reach those checkmarked land points, the map continues going through hills, valleys, forrests, until it runs out of page space and ends.... whether or not we can say there is a divine figure that sees these check points before we do, I am not so sure.... but one thing I know is for sure, we don't see them. You never wake up saying "I know I have to go to the grocery store today because if I do there will be a bum outside, I will give him two dollars and that two dollars will fall on the ground, a woman will pick up the two dollars and hand it to the bum, and the bum will use the two dollars to buy a coffee from Tim's where an employee will actually be a woman who is planning on killing herself, but the bum will say something to her that will make her feel lucky to be alive, and she won't, and so my two dollars passed between four hands will save a life". It is impossible to know what your actions will do. So I think I am going to choose to wake up every morning and do what feels most conducive to the check points I want to reach. If you died tomorrow what would you really miss? The answer for me is family, friends, writing, and true love...so each day I want to cultivate those entities positively into my life. I think if they are on my journey with me, happiness is the inevitable check point.

[

mood

|

jubilant

]

Why is it so hard to change? I mean it seems so easy to change appearances; we get hair cuts, colours, teeth whitening, waxing, lose weight, gain weight, tattoos, etc....none of that seems to be very difficult (for me anyways). What about feelings, emotions, patterns, practices....why is it so challenging to change from the inside out? Ask yourself how much you have consciously changed as a person. I know I have grown, learned, adapted over time...but have I ever sat down and said "I'm going to change this..." and completely turned that aspect of myself around? I am not sure that I have...nor that people in general do. I think we start out early in life adapting to principles we feel were designed for us. Personalities in general remain relatively constant throughout life...think of someone you knew in elementary school, junior high, or high school. They may have blossomed as far as appeal (looks) are concerned but if you sat down and had a lenghty conversation with them most of the jackasses are still jackasses (or jackasses in hiding) most of the introverts are relatively introverted still, and most of the kind people have remained neutral in their kindness. Do we, as humans, become so comfortable that we almost inherit some sort of ingrained map that is almost untraceable. I find myself doing things almost out of habit, rather than making a conscious choice. I know it's not true for everyone, but in general, once we have reached a certain status do we even off and stick to that person throughout life.

I guess this all comes as a result of me not being able to go through with much of the plans I had recently made for myself. I miss the comfort in lighting a cigarette (which I have since done), I miss the comfort of worrying about the petty things I cannot change. I am trying to decide whether the change is because I want to or because I need to. I know I need to eat healthy-so after this weekends German chocolate cake and alcohol binge- I am going to make the effort, or will I? I know I need to quit smoking because the numbers show it will most likely kill me ( a twenty percent chance that it won't and I have never been that lucky) but I don't want to. I don't want to die either, but it seems so far away whereas having a smoke after a bad day, meal, or night at the bar is immediate and welcoming. What if we could see the end first. What if when you reached the conceptual stage of understanding (say age eighteen) you were shown the last day of your life if you continued living by your wants rather than your needs, would you change then? Do we refuse to change because of the unknown?

In my life: I have all my books bought thanks to Krystle! I now have to sit down and read them (which is exciting and terrifying). I saw Carley and April this weekend, man I miss them and love them soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much! I can't wait till Sept rolls around and I can feel like I am living my life, and not the life I used to live in PEI. Although, I must say this summer was enjoyable on the whole. Seeing family, old friends, new places, and new sides of things I never knew existed in this tiny abyss...I am impressed. Liane moved home, I miss her and our whacky insiders nobody could ever understand: "Did you ever say words you think are words?" "-sometimes". ha ha ha. This weekend I am working overtime (twelve hours on saturday and twelve more on sunday) I need the $534 really really bad so I have to suck it up. I still have to buy stuff for the house and pack....dreaded preparation!

Note to self: It is not humanly possible to drink a pint of gin, 3 shots of tequela, two beer, and a sex on the beach and not make a complete ass out of yourself or get stripped at the bar! Nevertheless, no hangover vomitting!

The Challenge at Hand:

So at work somewhere today amongst the team-building exercises....I realized that I want to have goals. Not just long term, abstract thoughts, but legitimate demands of myself. I have constructed a list of ten things I am going 'to do' and ten things I am going to 'stop doing'. Essentially, this is twenty ways my life will be different. I want to have the goals met by April of next year.

To Do:

1. Exercise daily. Whether it be at the gym or going for a walk. I want to move my ass (literally, metaphorically, what-have-you) for forty-five minutes a day.

2. Write every day. Whether it be a live journal entry, a poem, a contribution to my ongoing novels, or a birthday card. I am going to write every day.

3. I want my GPA to be at the same level it is at. 4.0. Realistically, I will not be satisfied, nor can it ever, drop below a 3.7.

4. I want to be in at least one play, and audition every chance I get.

5. I want to get over my fear of committment.

6. Become a vegetarian. Well, not vegan for sure (I heart dairy products) but no meat whatsoever.

7. I want to lose 15-20 pounds. My dream weight is 115, but realistically I shouldn't be below 120.

8. Be more social. I want to go out at least once a week to the clubs, pubs, or wherever and I need to pick up the phone more.

9. Stop being so narcissistic. Wait- I retract that. People like me, despite my narcissism, so perhaps its charming? There I go again. ha ha ha. More inner peace I suppose, however I attain it, is my goal

10. Become better at guitar.

Things I will not do:

1. Start smoking again

2. Shop more than once a month for clothes

3. Eat junk: pop, chips, fast food, and LORD HELP ME...CHOCOLATE (my baby).

4. Be judgemental. I should give people more than a first impression...it's only fair.

5. Drink more than once every two weeks.

6. Spend my money on meaningless things that I don't need, nor will I ever need.

7. Stay up past 1:30am

8. Wear my emotions of my sleeve.

9. Get caught in a web of familiarity. I want to try new things and meet as many new people as possible while still staying close to the beautiful friends I have made thus far.

10. Worry as much about things that have not happened. My goal is to try to stay in the present and not worry about the things that I have no control over.

The fun starts Monday. I have been smoke free for five days now!

[

mood

|

cheerful

]

In my life: Wow! What a weekend. I think this may be one of those weekends I look back on in ten years and think, "fuck that was awesome!" To start, my friends from Fredericton came down (woot woot Rich and Krystle!) and it was my responsibility (in the name of Anne of Green Gables) to show them all that the island has to offer. Friday night Myself, Angie, Liane, Rich, and Krystle went to a psychic fair held at Rodd's Royalty Inn and Suites Charlottetown. We were asked to turn our cell phones off and to explore around the tables and decide what psychic we thought best suited our preference. All but Krystle chose to go with a guy named David. David was the man, despite his constant "mmmmhhuuuum yes." catch phrase which he must have said eight hundred times a minute. For forty dollars he read my palm and tarot cards as well as told me about past, present, and future happenings in my life. I was a cannibal in my first life, then an African tribal dancer, an native prostitute from the Yukon, and finally a Broadway dragqueen. He knew right away that I have ridiculously bad habits (he called me on drinking, smoking, and one other one that shall remain nameless in the event my family reads this). He also said that these habits will lead me into serious health problems and he even said that he could sense that my digestive track was under too much stress (I have Chron's so the guy was boom on!) He told me that I am impulse person who loves to be loved. He said that I would have two great loves and that I would meet a woman who I would connect with on my travels. He said that I am the jack of all trades but the master of none, and that I need to get direction. He knew that I was an actor, he guessed that I had two tattoos on my back, and told me that my biggest problem is taking on other people's problems. He told me that I had so much potential to be successful but that I needed to pick one thing. He said that I am always thinking and that sometimes that leads me in too deep. He said to cut off all the leeches in my life because they are only there for my money. The one thing he said that made me kind of sad was that I would not have any children. On the up side, he said I am a great mother and that I would marry somebody with a child or I would adopt. I left the psychic fair relateively content. Most of what he said could be cast as generic ramblings that would apply to anybody but some things couldn't have just been guessed. I give David 4 out of 5 hearts. After the fair we went to Brennan's and had a great chat and a few beer while listening to a jazz group. I showed Krystle the beautiful public library grounds and then  Rich took off with Maggie and the girls and I went home.

Saturday morning Liane worked so Krystle, Rich, and I went to Cafe Diem. Then we were huge mall rats. Krystle shocked me with her decision to blow the duration of the hour in the bookstore, atta girl!!! I didn't let her buy any books, but instead loaned her three very great works: The Bell Jar, Come to Me, and The Alchemist. The only thing missing is Autobiography of Red because I can't part with it again after I get it back! We waited for Liane to get off work, then we picked up Jeannie and went to the liquor store. I, of course, bought a pint of Gin and we temporarily misplaced Krystle's SUV (that I got to drive all weekend!!!) We played Sequence and my team came out victorous both times (eat it Rich!!!! It's okay to admit that I have the best strategies of all!) Saturday at around 8:30 people started showing up. To make an extraordinary long story short, I played matchmaker and I think I did a great job!!! We had a huge deck party and Rich played the drums and Mike was on acoustic guitar. We rocked the deck and about twenty people showed up and probably contracted West Nile virus. We went to Peake's bar at around 11:30. It was rocking with about 200 people I knew! Krystle and I had Revs and then went out and chilled by the water as we waited for Liane and Rich to come out of the bar. Our cabbie was Mike, he rocked, and I managed to tell his fortune, ha ha ha you laugh but I think I am also psychic! Do I smell a new job opportunity?

Finally Sunday came. Pretty hungover and still drunk while making KD at 5:30 in the morning...what more could you ask of a twenty year old? The four of us went out for breakfast and then I almost blew up Krystle's car before whipping out some hottie mechanic moves that made two lesbians from Quebec flirt with me at the convenience store! Too cute! Just call me Mrs.Fixit.

All in all- great weekend!!! Thanks for coming guys!!!!!

Not long until Freddy Beach becomes my home again....

[

mood

|

groggy

]

In my life or the series of events that tell me this is my life:

News. News. News. Where to start- let's say Sunday....it's a rather pretty day. Sunday was fun. Liane, Chris, and I went to the beach. We all got super fried and now I sort of resemble a member of the mulloska familial. As long as my face doesn't peel off like some scary cyborg- all is well. While at the beach, four people almost drowned. It was rather creepy, but since I can't swim to save myself, I just felt obliged to step out of the way. After the beach we went for popsicles, and by went I mean we stopped at some shady hole-in-the-ground where I got hooted and hollared at by a bunch of pre-pubescent males (never fun!)

Monday- I went to work feeling like shit due to the heat stroke and lurking cold. It was all pretty boring.

Today- I decided to stay home from work, forfeiting 80 dollars (yes I am an idiot). I couldn't have went though, I didn't even go to sleep until three and because I decided to be a dumbass and take to gravol to help me sleep, I woke up feeling like a space monkey (completely oblivious to time and space). Now I am going to play guitar for a bit and then rollerblade.

What is the best way to make up for losing out on money? Spending money. I am going to stop at Future Shop before I pick Liane up and buy a MP3 player. I need to stop this incessant need to blow all my hard earned cash....but money is designed for spending. Besides- its a treat to myself.....I GOT INTO THE HONOURS ENGLISH PROGRAMME. Some may not see this as a huge feat, but for me it really feels rewarding.  It makes the last two scholastic years less painstaking. I could be all pretentious and say it will in some way heighten my lifetime endeavours, but it probably won't. It just feels good sometimes to know you don't suck at something you love and devote a lot of your time toward.

Weekend plans: Friday night: Psychic Fair. It costs five dollars and includes: tarrot card reading, past lives, and other whacky shit that peakes my amusement! Saturday: Having a social gathering at the Jardine household (good ol Ruth and Bob!) then going to Peakes Quay where I will see all of the losers I have tried to avoid since leaving highschool. Sunday: Not too sure.

Do you ever wonder what it is inside the human psyche that makes us expect more than is necessary from the people in our lives?. Is this a good thing?

I have decided that I need to change a lot of things in my life. This weekend's retreat proved victorious when it came to mental stimulation, however, quitting smoking was a definite failure!

I have decided to omit all expectations except for the basics. If we made relationships, connections, etc. with people based on what made us happy than shouldn't that be enough? We want to be challenged but is it really someone else's job to challenge us or should we challenge ourselves by constantly looking for that next unique connection? Our connections with different people fill a different part of ourselves that is lacking, but is it really another person's duty to make somebody feel full....I don't think so. It would be nice, but lets face it, most people do not live up to their expectations, and this is warranted. Self-interest, a nasty but very realistic thing, comes in the way...no matter how great of a person you are.

I vow to make as many connections as possible and have each one be different from the last. I choose to seek out my own challenges, my own fulfillment in a variety of ways without ever demanding too much from certain people in my life.

In other news- working on a comedy (possibly for 78). It is about an eccentric, modern day psychiatrist....the character will be hard to cast.

Have to start reading for my courses soon, ahhhhhh anticipation of September is at orgasmic rates!

This weekend- shit faced and having the time of my life.

[

mood

|

curious

]

In my life: As much as I have tried to make PEI some sort of temporary niche, its not entirely working. I can't wait for the new start that I get in September, the new chance of feeling alive again!! Everything here is too comfortable, predictable, familiar. I think I am really going to blossom this year, as Oprah-vomitted as that sounds, I think my home is now in Fredericton. My life anyways. This weekend is detoxification. I have been reading a lot about it. It is this process that forces you to examine things. Basically, as creepy as this sounds, I sit in my room for 48 hours (friday and saturday) and I just take in fluids (water, tea, etc.). No food, no alcohol, no drugs of any kind (cigarettes included). Anyways I sleep as much as possible. After these two days I am given this energy to accomplish, start over, whatever you want to imagine. It could be a crock of shit, but I need some renewal...something to push me to start over. I have been making to many errors in judgment, none of which I regret, but I can see that this type of behaviour will lead me down the same dark path I was on a few years ago. I have to learn to trust people again. I have to learn not to hurt because I can. I have to learn to be real. If it doesn't work, im still me, and that's not too bad at all. Even if I can get one thing out of it I think it will be ok.

This process includes: 1. Fresh sheets, preferably smelling like the drier sheets

                                          2. Unlimitied supply of peppermint tea, green tea, tension tamer tea, and water

                                           3. A journal and a pen

                                           4. Pillows and soft feeling stuffed animals to keep me company

                                            5. Lady Oracle, Castle of Otranto, and Beloved

                                            6. my guitar.

Should be good. If you have any suggestions, or think I am downright crazy, let me know. One thing, I hate anonnymous posts, they are so frickin stupid. If you want to ream me out about something (i.e. my distaste for the "almost-all-male" need to whip their penis as a form of dominance) tell me who you are so I can have a fair argument. Otherwise you are an abstract nothingness in the corners of a white page I can't read! booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

[

mood

|

drained

]

My life: Ever wonder why some things can make perfect sense in some situations, but when taken out of the context and reevaluated they appear as something entirely different than you imagined. People for example. I love people, I find them fascinating, I want to meet and talk to as many different people as is physically possible. But there is one thing I am noticing about the human race, myself included. We are the greatest chameleons. The ultimate fiction. Everyone tries to be who they are, to present their 'true' self. The problem with this is that the truth is constantly molding itself into lies, and maybe in some cases, the things we liked to believe are lies, are actually the truth. How do you really know someone if they don't know themselves? Is it a bad thing? Are we met to stay connected on the same level with people for all time, or is it met to mold into the changes, lies, and new 'selves'. I think maybe the reason we don't notice the changes in people is because we are too preoccupied with our own shifting. We worry about the image we present to our close ones and therefore can't allow them to accept something that is already there, most likely already accepted. This post could result from an intellectually stimulating conversation with a friend, my own narcisisstic tendencies, or just this pretentous wave of thought that is clouding my every move. I am tired of being a shifter. I am tired of labelling, evaluating, reevaluating, noticing, pretending not to notice, worrying, trying not to worry about all of my life events and the life events of others who I am in contact with. I know that we are designed to respond based on emotions, ideas, and what is presented before us. But what if we accepted that however fucked up we felt our lives were, the lives of those around us are almost always easily fucked up but we can't notice their changes because they adapt at a more rapid pace than our own? Would everyone be okay with accepting that no one is one hundred percent ok? We wouldn't have to announce emotions, sexuality, or pretentious ideas. There would be no more "I am depressed", "I'm gay", "I have a 4. (Insert ungodly digit in here) GPA" we would all just be humans on a human journey. We could still become fascinated with the happenings of those around us if we communicated the life changes in a celebratory manner instead of feeling that because we have these certain alterations we are somehow inferior.

Enough mind puke for now.

What was the moment of change where you knew that your life would never be the same but you struggled to present it in the same way for the comfort of others instead of embracing that you are not the only person who has been in this position throughout the history of time?

P.S. My liver will never fully function after this weekend's binge......owwwwie.

Hey everyone. I am posting my poem for a reaction. This is the first thing my editor hasn't hated in forever!!!! I want to see what people feel when they read it. Also, does the image maintain the narrative through line? Corrine, hope you enjoy!

written by A.R.Jardine on June, 20, 2005

White Lily Dancer

She wanted stems for legs,

The White Lily Dancer.

Slender stalks of absent lips to brush between the watchers.

Uproot the stone toes

collecting amongst flower people.

She wanted to split her petals,

and burn through delicate veins with each tear.

See, kiss, remember clocks in the loud rooms of her life.

Instead she danced with cement.

Her cold surface pinched the ground when she tiptoed

loosening the moss covered highway.

She danced for forty years,

forty lives later her limbs were gone.

A sepia print wrapped within the basement attic

were all that remained of the lily inside her.

No sun rose to breathe in the shadows,

wishes began painting water lands in her mind

of the places she could no longer drink.

She needed the lily to dance

To sway the wind from the outside in.

The other lilies turned and died

given life in a fresh season of rainbow woods.

She refused to stop dancing

and the bugs ate her

biting off her feet first.

I know everyone just got overly excited when they read the title for this post, to your dismay, it is about tattoos and not sexually taboo acts. As you all know, I recently got a tattoo. It is the Queen of Ischtar symbol. She is a goddess who I worship, and I have thought about getting this tattoo for sometime. It took six hours, and was not an overly enjoyable experience. It also cost a very handsome amount (and I got a discount!). Most people, surprisingly including my family, have been generally interested and accepting of this new artwork. However, some people stare at me like I am a freakin idiot.

The way I see it: 1. No one should get a tattoo unless they feel empowered by it. Whether it be pride, confidence, etc. you should not regret the decision once it is made.

2. The symbol should mean something to you. I hate it when people walk into a shop, pick up the book, scan through, and say "yeah, that one will do". Unless you are a snake charmer or have a fascination with reptiles, you don't really need it branded. Perhaps, if from a young age, snakes held an important place in your heart, then snake away!

3. Some people say: "They are on you forever, what about when you are fifty?". By the time I am absolutely embarassed by the tattoos, their will be a simple, cost-effective procedure to remove them. If I choose not to remove them, then the question is simply: "Why would I want to show my body off at the age of fifty anyway?"

Tattoos are a personal choice, they should reflect your individuality. They are also not for everyone, and I totally respect that. But leave it up to me whether or not I am a fool or have done something foolish, because I feel pretty damn happy about it!!!

In Other News: Mom loaned me her Mastercard last night and I ordered some books. Lady Oracle, Castle of Otranto, and Beloved. I figure that I might as well get a jump on my analytical skills since this summer has been pretty mindless. I was at the gym last night and I got asked to be on some reality tv show. It is this fitness competition across Canada, similar to Life network's, "Taking it Off". Is that a compliment or an insult? Who cares.

Tomorrow I am hanging with Shawn, and then Thursday is the typical "L Word"-popcorn-loving-gossip-fest.

If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would you choose? I'm going to have to say pizza or M and M cookies.

[

mood

|

angry

]

Warning: The following post may offend some people, but hey, isn't that what life is all about?

Tom Cruise- the very name brings endless images to mind. Psycho, untalented actor, jumping and flailing in the air like a lunatic, and finally huge jackass. Tom Cruise needs to shut his mouth.

Cruise is an avid Scientologist, a religion that believes psychiatry is a destructive pseudo-science.

In the interview with host Matt Lauer, Cruise said "If you start talking about chemical imbalance, you have to evaluate and read the research papers on how they came up with these theories, Matt, OK. That's what I've done."

"You don't know the history of psychiatry," Cruise added.

So, Tom, when did you have time to do all of this research? Was it before or after you paraded around like an idiot on the Oprah Winfrey show? Was it before or after you abducted Katie Holmes and brainwashed her into Scientology and marriage? Was it before or after you got paid a ludicrous amount of money for yet another shitty performance?

My boy Tommy is into Scientology. I am not going to bash any religions, because I think it is essential that every individual instill faith in some belief system. My problem is not even with evangelism...those pesky Mormons are persistent and their incessant knocking from door to door is a method that further proves their trust and devotion to a higher power. The one thing I cannot stand about religion, is the need to insist that your religion is the only religion, is the only right answer. Because, my dear Tommy, it is not!

Tom Cruise and Brooke Sheilds have been debating in an open forum, if you can call Hollywood that, about whether or not perscription medication should be used for depression (i.e. PPD, OCD, Mania, GAD, etc.) The reason why I feel Brooke has a valid point, is because she is not arguing from a religious perspective. She is saying it should be an option from an experienced voice (she was diagnosed with PPD and used Paxil). Tom Cruise's adherence to Scientology makes him a firm believer that psychiatry and medication for chemical imbalances is a farce. He has been quoted saying that neither system has been around long enough, and simply that chemical imbalances do not exist.

Is he that much of an idiot?

I have had depression of all kinds. I have been on Paxil, Prozac, and other medicinal approaches (including psychiatry). From a completely non-religious standpoint, a more realistic outlook, he is wrong. Guess what Tom, medical doctor's have been studying the brain and emotions for over a hundred years. When did Scientology began? 1952, by Hubbard, with most of its real innovations occuring in the sixties. I think this is a relatively new phenomenon, which has no right discrediting hundreds of years of medical research. Nevertheless, judgement occurs when religious nuts arise from the woodwork. Spirituality is not enough anymore. You can't be one with your God, and encourage loved ones to find faith. You can't even be evangelical without looking like you are trying too hard. But what really bothers me is this self proclaimed higher status of knowledge some people suck out of religion, feeling obliged to announce to the world who the 'polluted souls' are and why. Religion is about tolerance, acceptance, and inner guidance. It shouldn't be abouot about huge ficades and nasty rhetoric. Scientology has went as far as blaming Psychiatry for whackos like Hitler and Stallin. I think that if they both had have been slipped some Prozac then things may have turned out definitely.

The truth is chemical imbalances do occur. The doctors are working everyday to find out more about what happens to our brains and how to map it out. I said before I was depressed. Medication numbed my pain, but left me with nothing. I refuse meds and psychiatry (because of its repressing women), but  I cannot, with good conscience, deny that both methods work extraordinary well for some people. It depends on the person, and in some cases (34%) it keeps manic depressive people from killing themselves. How can we deny individual choice? If you are depressed you don't need to feel further subordinated by Hollywood pricks like Tom Cruise.

Booooo on you Tom, boooo on you.

[

mood

|

exhausted

]

Last night was bizarre- It was like waking up in June 2001. I went to a party, a house where we used to party all of the time in junior high and high school. The faces were basically all of the same faces I became close with over the years, with a few new additions. The music was the same upbeat super-techno sh!t, and the drinks and excessive pot use seemed all too familiar. It was as if nothing had changed in four years...which was fun but also equally scary. The only difference this time, is that I wasn't afraid to be anti-social. I remember those years from grades seven to twelve, where at events such as last night, I would hang upstairs with the cool crowd and drink an unnecessary amount of alcohol to try to fit into a jigsaw puzzle that was already pieced together. Not last night. I hung downstairs, caught up on conversation, and even played Where's Waldo, to reinevent some fantastical youth. It was really fun, minus the ethnic and homophobic slurs, I had a good time catching up with people I have lost touch with over the last three or four years. Maybe it's not something I would do again, but I know for sure that there are at least four of five people who have really grown and who I would like to keep around in my life.

Other news: The tattoo is healing well. In about a week I estimate that it will stop flaking and look like 'normal' skin again. I had the long weekend off from work, and got paid, which is a super deal if you ask me! Kaylan Porter is playing at the waterfront today, the short curly haired blond pinnup from Canadian Idol. I would rather lose my left hand in a boating accident than see him perform, so I will probably hang out here and play guitar for a bit. I finally got my courses figured out! If I get into honours I will be taking five English courses, three Sociology courses, one religious studies (bird course) and one intro to Philosophy course (to try something out of my comfort area). Hopefully I will get into the honours program. Then I will graduate with an honours in English and major in Sociology. Then I will either do a Masters, or you know, open a cafe and be content with having a piece of paper that says I am an idiot for spending that much money when I could have just wrote down the cyllabis from online and taught myself for free ;)

My thought-provoking question of the day: If you could do anything for the rest of your life starting tomorrow, what would it be?

To my faithful journey friends:

I have had many journal spaces in the past. They have corresponded with my feelings at the time. They were angry, they were sad, they were hopeful, and overjoyed, but all soon faded into history as the posts became fewer and fewer. Not this time. I am going to dedicate my time to who I believe I am, the Iron Butterfly. This space will be where I keep friends updated in my life, but also rant and rave about issues that drive me that much closer to insanity, or issues that make me feel lucky to wake up in the morning, depending on the situation and the government in power :)

New 'life' events: I am starting to look deeper inside of myself for answers that I have ignored for a long time. They were there all along, but I pushed them down so that I could buy into some false ideal of "happiness". Not anymore. I am going to be what I feel. Like it or leave it, I am going to be real to the feelings that unhinge me and force me out of my protective zone. Some people think this is selfish, cruel, unneccesary, etc. I feel that if I don't do it, I will spend my whole life fearing something that is completely normal, self exploration. How can we expect to get anywhere if we don't journey outside of the boundaries that someone else has set for us? We need to feed that sense of longing, before we can ever give it to someone else. I have loved very few people in this world, and I feel as though I am lying to them if I don't jump out of this sense of captivity. Lying to myself. What is my destiny? To fail, most likely, but to learn from that failure and push through all of the 'shit' in my life that brings me down. To embrace the blackness and accept that not everything in this life is easy.

I have been practicing guitar a lot lately, at least a half hour a day, which means I can finally play a song in totality. I am not telling you which song, because I will inevitably be made fun of, and rightfully so :) I feel proud that at twenty years old, I can still grasp completely foreign things. I thought I had become so hardened by false expectations that I would be afraid to take on a new challenge, but I am doing it slowly!

I also got a new tattoo. I think it is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. In explains all that I am, and all that I dream of being. It gives me love, hope, and strength. It was the most bizarre experience when I got it. It felt so cathartic and the pain became this deeply spiritual process of giving and taking. It gave me life and sucked out most of the "old me".

Finally, I started readin The Female Eunich, by Germaine Greer. It is feminist literature, that shys away from a radical approach in order to embrace a diverse readership. The message is powerful and it is worth the three hours it takes (it is only 311 pages).  Go out and buy it if you want to tap deeper into your spirit or understand more about the struggle of women from the inside out (it deals with cells, body metamorphisis, energy, spirituality, love, sex, etc.)

[

mood

|

cynical

]

Warning: This is a place for me to rant and rave about the things that drive me crazy!

Well, it's Canada Day in PEI, which means the city streets will be swarming with much-needed tourists. I plan to join the festivities and drinking in about four hours, but first, onto something that drives me absolutely crazy! With all of the weekend's events in store, PEI hired a surplus of public workers to fix up the potholes on city streets. This means, road workers outside of my office building. I must admit that I shiver every time I see their bright orange vests and shiny yellow hats. Road workers give me the creeps, 90% of them at least. I am not sure if it is the excessive cat calling, the whistles, or the mere undressing me with their eyes that causes this to happen, but it does every time. I have yet to walk by a road worker without being harassed. Correct me if I am wrong ladies, but it is quite disturbing! Reasons why I hate it.

1. I am not an object that deserves their attention because:

                            i) I would never date someone who thinks public harassment is a good way to pick up a potential wife.

                            ii) The thought of their dirty hands and scratchy beards makes me vomit in my mouth.

                            iii) I don't enjoy the smell of gravel at all hours of the day.

2. I am a woman I should have the right to walk down the street without feeling like:

                           i) My clothes were transparent.

                          ii) I am a prostitute.

                         iii) I am going to be jumped and gang raped with one false step.

3. You are am employee of the government, which tells me that:

                         i) The government promotes sexual harassment.

                         ii) They obviously don't screen their employees (potential sex offenders, murders, and stalkers are welcome!)

                         iii) I am paying your salary through my tax money so that I can feel like the feminist movement just took a 60 year jump backward in time.

That's enough ranting for today. Enjoy the celebration everyone!!!! If you come to PEI for our rocking light show tonight, look me up!